May 22, 2010

Arriving somewhere.. but not here.

Never stop the car on a drive in the dark..
Never look for the truth in your mother's eyes..
Never trust the sound of rain upon a river..
Rushing through your ears..

His car takes a sharp turn on the empty, wet road and swerves all the way around to the side of the bridge. Must keep my hands in control, he thinks, and continues driving frantically. His hands are shivering, there's cold sweat on his brow, and his pupils are heavily dilated. He tries blinking twice, thrice. The shock still remains. How could he? He remembers the look in her eyes. That final look, that remained frozen as the sound of the gun reverberated all around the locked room. He was pretty sure the neighbours could hear it all the way down the street. Even though they hardly interacted with any of them. Too boring a life all of them lead. He's trying to think of something other than that final look. Obviously he can't. She was everything he had! She was the only one there for him. From the beginning. And he blew it too. Just in a second. Just in the pull of a trigger. That was all it took, really.

Did you imagine the final sound as a gun?
Or the smashing windscreen of a car?
Did you ever imagine the last thing you'd hear as you're fading out was a song?

How uncanny. The fact that November Rain was playing on that old, battered radio-set she used to listen to every evening, with the curtains drawn. The creaking of the rocking-chair audible even in the next room. She always asked him to get a new one. But he never did. Why didn't I do it, ma? Why did I get tired of this existence? The river flowing on the side of the road sounds so haunting in the midnight. It's the only thing he can hear. Apart from his heart rapidly beating, of course. His teeth chatter. Not so much from the cold, even though it's freezing outside, and the broken windows let the rain spray in through the sides, blowing a gush of spray and the chilly wind inside. Circling around him. Whispering, I know your secret, Jonathan. I know what you did.

All my designs, simplified
And all of my plans, compromised
All of my dreams, sacrificed

He keeps driving. He has nowhere to go. He has nobody to go to. There's nobody out there he loves anymore. Nobody he ever loved. The one person who he did love, is now wrapped up in a large black sheet, and dumped in the back of his car. Every time the car goes over a speed-bump, something goes 'thud' inside the car. We both know what that is, Jonathan, the wind whispers. Oh it knows, all right. "Ma." He softly whispers. Where is she? What did I do? He can't think straight. It was his decision. She goes first. Then it's my turn.

Ever had the feeling you've been here before?
Drinking down the poison the way you were taught
Every thought from here on in your life begins
And all you knew was wrong?

The tape plays on the TV. He's ten. His mother is sitting next to him, stroking his hair. "Your father took this video, Jon! It disgusted him to watch you come out from me, I must admit.. I mean, men, I tell you! They think they're all so tough but inside, they can't stand anything! I swear, honey. The look in his eyes when the midwife held you in her arms and gave you to me to hold for the very first time.. I'll never forget that look. Oh, I miss him all the time. But I have you for the rest of my life. I know he's in you. I see it all the time." He's barely paying attention to her. He's watching a lady, chesnut hair tied up in a tight bun, gloves on her hands, trying to pull out what looks like a real live person from in between his naked mother's legs. She's lying down in a bathtub, water surrounding her, and she looks like she is in a lot of physical pain. The nakedness doesn't disarm him as much as seeing the baby does. "Look honey! That's you!" His mother says excitedly. She has tears in her eyes. "Don't mind me, I get emotional every time I watch this..", she brushes a tear from the side of her eye. "I wanted a water birth. You were born in February, as an Aquarius. The water bearer! And all my other friends told me it was the smarter option, anyway. I don't regret it one bit."
The car's going faster and faster. He has no idea how much the speed is now. The rain is crashing down on the windscreen and roaring in his ears. The river is gushing along both the sides of the freeway. He's drenched in sweat. What better way to die than the way you were born? In the water, just where he belongs.

Did you see the red mist block your path?
Did the scissors cut a way to your heart?
Did you feel the envy for the sons of mothers tearing you apart?

"Ma, we're in this together."His last words. The car crashes deep into the river. It doesn't emerge to the surface for the longest time.

May 18, 2010

We play, endlessly.

I change my mind too often. I get bored too quick. Sometimes, when I want to get bored, I keep holding on. I tell random people details about my life they'd rather not know about. I make a lot of mistakes, repeatedly. Daily. I like being stubborn. I don't listen.
Is there anything right here?
Uff. I feel like I'm becoming a worse person as days go by, and I'm doing nothing to change the situation. Every day passes by way too quickly for me to even recall what happened and where it went by, in this haze.
The tendency of mine to tell a lot of people about my life has to go away soon though. I need to stop doing this. Too many people take advantage of it and then end up interfering. Then, they can't even be blamed for it. Because I was the one who started it.
I have so many ideas in my head, I want to put them all into a long story. Or a huge piece of artwork. Or a song. But somehow, I lack motivation. What is wrong with me these days, I ask?
I'm a deep person. Trust me, I am. You know me? Then you know I am. I'm right here in front of you. I've been everything you've wanted me to be. Then, why are you so blind? I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm moody. I'm sarcastic. I lack confidence, most of the times. I'm rude. I complain. I stress more than I should. I live. I laugh.
I also don't understand things. At all.