August 04, 2011

Forever young.

Me and Sasha were talking, and I absolutely agree with the conversation we had, so I thought I'd write about it, simply.
I want my childhood back. All the way back, when I was carefree and innocent. I don't know if I was ever 'innocent' in the true sense, but I was definitely indifferent to what others thought I did, looked like, acted like. I goofed up more than I do now, as a kid. Obviously. I got bullied and harassed by the kids in the opposite and next building, but I still enjoyed playing a game of hide 'n seek with them. I played with my Barbies, till I was like thirteen. I didn't care. They were gorgeous, shiny and alive. Now, most of them are given away and the rest are probably in a box up on the attic. I'm not even sure. It saddens me how that happened.
Back in school, I had a lot of friends. We all liked each other. I had a unibrow. Hairy arms and legs. I was a wild child. I bullied the boys. I talked a lot in class. I had a crush on the swimmer kid who got the highest marks in class. I drew, a lot. What happened to that?
I want to go back to when I was a unibrowed flower-power feminist who thought that girls don't need boys to be happy. We can live without them and enjoy life without all those hassles. Then things changed. I met a few boys. I made mistakes, and a few choices I wish I could reverse, but it's too late.
At night, I used to go to bed thinking about how sad it would be if my family members died. One by one. I'd cry myself to sleep. Since then, two of my cats died. So did my grandfather. It was sad. We moved on, but not quite. Now, before I go to bed, I find myself thinking about whether I'll ever truly find love or not. How long I can go on without making a solid decision about my future. I think about him, knowing he doesn't think about me. I think about a lot of 'him's. But mostly just him.
Right now, I'm at a point where I don't know who I am. I'm trying to find out more things about myself, things I'm good at, things I like that I didn't find myself liking before. Wanting to earn money so I can actually shop every month without feeling guilty. Procrastinating. Going to another country.
When did this all happen?


  1. And people wonder why I insist on keeping the child in me.
    You should too. Let silly things make you happy and forget about what doesn't

  2. love the flower power feminist. id like to see it more often. :)